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They're Still Lookin' Good/Transcript
(Intro) (Title card) Ozar: “ It's a good day outside. Let's see my water bill! (reads) $400! I CAN'T AFFORD THIS! “ MatthewSmarter: “ Same. “ Ozar: “ I thought you made electronics for a living. “ MatthewSmarter: “ Please don't use euphemisms. Emily & Edmond Elephant will come here and murder you at night. “ Ozar:... “ What the- “ MatthewSmarter: “ Basically, just say what you really mean. “ Ozar: “ Okay. I thought you made money off of electronics. Good? “ MatthewSmarter: “ No and yes. “ Ozar: “ How much is your bill? MatthewSmarter: “ I don't know. I haven't checked yet. “ Ozar: “ Here! “ (Gives him the bill) MatthewSmarter: “ Thanks. (Reads) Oh my god, 1000 DOLLARS! “ Eduarda2384: “ My heat bill is $200! “ MatthewSmarter: “ Put together, that's, uh- “ Ozar: “ THE GREATEST NUMBER IN EXISTENCE! “ MatthewSmarter: (facepalming) “ Oh my god. First of all, numbers will never end, second of all, how did you even get that. “ Ozar: “ I was born to have a wrath, not do math. “ MatthewSmarter: “ O- “ Eduarda: “ $1,600. “ MatthewSmarter and Ozar: �� Eduarda2384: “ Let's ask MrsWhatever40 if she can pay it off for us. Making Bratz and Barbie dolls makes you the big money. “ Ozar: “ Nice idea. “ (The trio walks to MrsWhatever40's house) MrsWhatever40: “ Hi guys, what do you need? “ Eduarda: “ Can you pay off our $1,600 dept? “ MrsWhatever40: “ Sorry, but I have a really expensive water bill, too. “ MatthewSmarter: “ Why would you need water to make dolls? “ MrsWhatever40: “ I mix water with deoderant, toilet paper, old Mountain Dew bottles, and clay. “ Eduarda: (under breath) “ That's why it melted like ice cream when I threw mine to the sun. “ MrsWhatever40: “ What!? “ Eduarda: (normal) “ Nothing. “ Mrswhatever40: “ Okay. “ Ozar: “ How much did your water bill cost? “ MrsWhatever40: “ $200. “ Eduarda: “ That's the same as my heat bill! “ Ozar: “ I thought you made dolls. “ MrsWhatever40: “ I do. “ Ozar: “ Then why can't you afford $200 dollars? “ MrsWhatever40: “ I get paid one nickel every doll I've completed 260 dolls. “ Ozar: “ You live a sad life. You need a better job. “ MatthewSmarter: “ If you made 1,300¢ your entire life, how did you pay the bills before? MrsWhatever40: “ I stole from Sonic's account. “ (At the treehouse) Sonic: “ What happened to the $200 in my wallet? “ (Back to the house) (Quongus enters) Quongus: “ Hey guys! “ MrsWhatever40: “ Can you- “ Quongus: “ Nope. I live in a shack with no heat or water. “ Ozar: “ Then what did you drink? “ Quongus: “ The baby bottles I stole from your room. “ Everyone: �� Ozar: �� “ I AM NOT A BABY! “ Mateusz11113: “ I heard OAE pays in different currency. “ Ozar: “ Let's ask The Writer! “ (Everybody goes to The Writer's house) Ozar: “ Hey. “ THe Writer: “ Huh? (Turns around) WHOA! How in the everloving snickerdoodle did you guys come in? “ Quongus: “ We walked in. “ Eduarda2384: “ We also walked by a poorly configured trap that looks like it was bought from a toy store. “ The Writer: (angry) “ THAT'S THE LAST TIME I BUY ANYTHING FROM TOYS R US! (normal) Anyway, what do you losers want? “ Ozar: “ We need money. “ The Writer: (sigh) N- Edurda2384: “ $1,800 to be exact. “ The Writer: “ I have that much money in my piggy bank. “ MatthewSmarter: “ Great. Can you give us it? “ The Writer: “ No. “ MatthewSmarter: “ Why? “ The Writer: “ I want to see you suffer. ” MrsWhatever40: “ Why? “ The Writer: “ Get out of my house. “ (The Writer kicks them out) MrsWhatever40: “ We're struck bum out of places to beg for money. “ MatthewSmarter: “ Actually, there is one place, one place. “ Quongus: “ Where? “ MatthewSmarter: “ One place. “ (Cut to treehouse) MatthewSmarter: Hey guys. “ Willdawg14: “ What? Ozar: “ We need money. “ Willdawg14: “ I'm fresh out of cash. Sonic? “ Sonic: “ I keep losing my money to a crook. “ Ozar: (sarcastically) Gee golly, I wonder who does that? “ MrsWhatever40: �� “ It wasn't me I swear! “ Sonic: “ I'm not pointing fingers. Also, stop using emojis. “ MrsWhatever40: “ Okay. “ Willdawg14: “ What do we do? Hold on, I have a crazy idea, but it'll take effort. “ Sonic: “ What is it? “ Will: “ We become Jared Fogle's new aides. “ Sonic: “ NOOO! “ ---- (They walk to Jared's place) Sonic: “ Will, to be honest, I don't want to do this anymore than you do. “ Willdawg14: “ Depends, You'd rather feed black dogs to an elder god than this? “ Sonic: “ No! Well, yes. “ Willdawg14: “ Same actually. We just don't get money doing that. Just a cock-eyed cat and a fight with a kid in a wheelchair. “ Sonic: “ Hopefully the line isn't going on too long. (Looks at line of 100 people) Holy guacamole! “ Person: “ Hey guys, what happens when we become aides? “ Sonic: “ NOTHING HAPPENS! MOVE ALONG! “ Person: “ Well that sucks. I'm outta here! “ Person 2: “ Same! “ (100 people leave, bringing Will and Sonic to the front) Will: “ That's your first plan that didn't go haywire in some way. “ Sonic: “ Shut up! “ (Will rings the doorbell, and the door opens and Jared Fogle steps out) Singer: “ He’s still lookin' goood- “ Will: “ Uh yeah, could we maybe skip that? “ Jared: Oh. Hey, you two, uh- Sonic: “ Seriously, you don't know us? “ Jared: “ No. “ Will: (sigh) “ I'm Willdawg14, and this is Sonic. “ Sonic: “ Sup. “ Will: “ He's an idiot. “ Sonic: “ HEY! “ Jared: “ Very well then, follow me. I’ll show you the ropes of the job. My old aides quit for some reason. “ Sonic: “ I’m not surprised. “ Jared: “ Neither am I. “ (Sonic and Will follow Jared) Will: He's going to molest us! Sonic: Didn't you put a restraining order on him? Will: He molested it. Sonic: I don't think he's that dumb to the point where he molests a hedgehog. That's bestiality. Will: How do you know what bestiality is? Sonic: I've seen your internet history! Will: Lies! Jared: Sit please. (They sit) Jared: Lend me your hands... Will: (thinking) He's gonna rape me! Jared: ...because you are hired! Sonic: Yes! Willdawg: N- I MEAN YES! Jared: You start tomorrow. Sonic: Okay. (They leave) (The treehouse) Oreo-And-Eeyore: And that's why you don't make antimatter. MatthewSmarter: Sorry, I wasn't listening! (Sonic and Will enter) WIlldawg14: Guys, we became Jared Fogle's new aides! (Record scratch) OAE: What happened to his old ones? Willdawg14: IDK. OAE: Whatever, I've gotta go! (OAE leaves) MrsWhatever40: What do aides even do? Sonic: Just stand by him, looking cool. (They leave) Willdawg14: How do you look cool when there's a B-class pedophile next to you? Sonic: No worries, a little Rocking Gazelle's ought to help us. (The Rocking Gazelles song "You're a Star" plays) Willdawg14: You were right. It did help.